


I Feel Unready For My Love

by Bearhead1



Category: One Direction (Band), Radio 1 RPF
Genre: Angst, Fear of Coming Out, M/M, Slight fluff, Swearing, semi-public making out
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-29
Updated: 2014-11-29
Packaged: 2018-02-27 10:35:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,161
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2689643
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bearhead1/pseuds/Bearhead1
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Based on the Tomlinshaw fic prompt of an accidental kiss caught on camera.</p>
<p>'For a few seconds the noise of the room disappeared, the air around them got really thick and all Louis could focus on was how soft Nick's lips were on his.  Suddenly the noise of the room burst through their bubble.'</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Feel Unready For My Love

**Author's Note:**

> My Title is taken from the song Lilac Wine by Jeff Buckley which makes me think of Louis and Nick a lot, also it's a great song so go listen to it.
> 
> Unfortunately my beta had some personal issues and so my work is unbeta'd. I apologise in advance for any mistakes but hopefully I've picked most of them up. 
> 
> Also thanks for putting together this ficathon, always ready for more Tomlinshaw in the world and am super excited about reading all the fics

Louis was at the Brit Awards, they had been nominated for 4 awards, including best single which he had cowrote and best album, of which he had writing credits on no less than 9 of the 12 songs. He was looking absolutely fantastic, some might call that big headed, but Louis liked to call a spade a spade. He should have been on top of the world, but instead he was seething. Some total twat, and that was the only way to describe the total fucking knobhead that had organised the seating plan, had placed him next to Nick Grimshaw.

Louis' nightmare had started an hour ago after they'd negotiated the red carpet and been shown to their table next to the stage. It appeared as though someone had thought it would be a great idea to mix the tables up this year and that's why they had been placed on a table of well known faces from Radio 1. Worse was the realisation that probably that same idiot who had thought up the idea, had also seemed it hilarious to place him next to Nick Grimshaw himself. It would have been bad enough enduring a night of his ridiculous laugh and Harry's fawning but he could have gritted his teeth and bared it if he'd have been in between the other lads or next to Greg James who was also sat with them. He was frantically working out how to switch name tags before anyone had realised when Harry pouted his big stupid lips and whined 'oh Grimmy, I'm not next to you, you've got Lou instead'. Nick pouted theatrically too 'I know Harold, they obviously don't trust us after our past Brit escapades. Louis try not to be as tempting as your lovely bandmate and lead me astray' Louis rolled his eyes as Harry giggled. He sat down in the seat and immediately turned his back to Nick. He could act professional for the next few hours he supposed, if being professional meant not talking to the self absorbed knobhead next to him. He reached across the table and grabbed a bottle of beer and immediately downed half of it. His plan to stay sober until the after party was also now out the window. 

As the show began he felt the brush of lips across his ear, he shivered at the feeling. 'Might have known you were a lush Tomlinson. Maybe you should take it easy in case you have to go up for an award'. Louis rolled his eyes at Nick's tone 'I think I'll be ok, but thanks for your concern dad' he whispered back. To spite him he downed the rest of his beer before reaching for another. Nick rolled his eyes back at him and muttered 'such a child' under his breath. What a patronising twat. 

During the advert breaks hundreds of waiters and waitresses dashed out from god knows where and laid plates of food in front of them. This evening it appeared as though they were being fed a good old fashioned roast, and Louis watched as Nick piled more than his fair share of roast potatoes on his plate. He leant over and pressed his lips against the shell of Nick's ear feeling him freeze 'I'd go easy on the carbs if I were you Nick, I know you're on the radio but middle aged spread is never a good look on a man....not one without a boyfriend anyway' 

He sat back in his seat and daintily placed a roast potatoe in his mouth before chewing around a smug smile. Although he will admit to feeling a little bit bad when Nick's plate was cleared with the majority of the roast potatoes still in tact on his plate. Oh well it wasn't his fault if Nick couldn't take a joke. 

He wasn't sure when him and Nick had started to be actually mean to each other but it had probably started back when One Direction were just formed. Back then Louis had actually thought Nick had been flirting with him a little. He remembers snippets of lingering looks and flirty touches but nothing ever came of it and before he knew it Nick was all over Harry like a limpet & taking every opportunity to make digs at Louis on the radio. Harry had told him one time that, that was how Nick flirted and that Louis should be flattered. I mean if telling someone that they are the least good looking one in a band is flirting then it's no wonder Nick had never managed to settle down. Louis still wasn't sure why Harry indulged Nick so much. Harry was a flighty soul. He was incredibly intense in the early stages of the friendship making you feel like you were the most important person alive before meeting someone else new and shiny and flitting off leaving you behind wondering what happened. He didn't do it on purpose of course, that was just how he was. Initially Louis had been hurt when Harry seemed to have discarded him for Nick, which was possibly where the tension between them began but then Harry had continued the cycle and Louis had finally come to realise it wasn't anything personal. Unfortunately though despite forgiving Harry, obviously for the sake of the band but also in large part because of his puppy dog eyes, he hadn't managed to dispel the unease around Nick. He was just so loud and brash and despite Harry's insistence of how lovely he was Louis could only ever think about how he humiliated he felt not only thinking Nick had fancied him but also that he had lost a best friend in the process. Over the years the distance between them had grew bigger and now they were at a point where they were barely on each other's radar. Only unfortunate incidences like this that reminded Louis what a complete twat he was. 

The awards had started to be handed out now after performances from artists of varying degrees of talent and here was the first award they were up for 'Best Single'. It was a tough year as while they often took home these awards easily at teen focused awards, they were up against some highly respected bands. The video reel ran with the nominees and Louis took a large swig of his beer. He was starting to feel vaguely fuzzy. Not too drunk that he was worried about embarrassing himself but enough to dull the irritation at Harry and Nick leaning across him all night to talk to each other and make stupid private jokes. He had offered to exchange places, practically begged but Harry had brightly shook his head and said 'don't be silly Lou, I'm not going to make you switch seats'. He even winked as if he was doing Louis some kind of favour. Louis had just shook his head at Harry's inability to read the situation and looked forlornly at Zayn who seemed to find the whole thing hilarious and was currently smirking at him across the table. 

The nominations were read out and Louis held his breath. The award went to The Clean Bandits. Louis felt a surge of disappointment run through him. He leant back in his seat clapping politely as The Clean Bandits made their way to the stage. Nick whistled and clapped loudly and obnoxiously looking all together too chuffed while Louis tried not to sulk next to him. As the acceptance speech went on in the background he felt Nick lean in close, 'too bad Louis, I guess you're writing skills still need some fine tuning'. Louis felt himself flush with humiliation and anger. It wasn't long until the award for best album was up and if they lost this as well Louis would be crushed. He had worked hard on these songs. For a long time Louis had felt that he was a bit of a spare part in the band and now with his songs often being picked to make up the bulk of the albums he was finally feeling confident in his abilities and that maybe the band did need him. Louis had always felt pride when One Direction had won awards but winning them for lyrics that he had wrote meant even more. Unfortunately with this came a feeling of responsibility for not letting the boys down. 

The award for best album came up and Rihanna walked to the podium to announce the nominees. Louis bit his lip and waited, tapping his fingers nervously on his lap. Suddenly their table erupted in cheers. They had won. He leapt up and hugged Harry next to him and felt the others wrapping themselves in on the hug too. They made their way to the stage to accept their award in a daze. Liam took to the mic first to formally thank all their team and everyone who helped them behind the scenes and then the mic was thrust into Louis' hands. He stuttered out a thank you to the fans feeling overwhelmed and so proud. They then made their way back to their table, Niall ruffling his hair as they made their way back. 

Louis sat down in his seat and leaned over to make a smug comment in Nick's ear. Unfortunately it came at the exact time that Nick appeared to be leaning in to whisper in his ear. Before either of them seemed to know what was happening their lips were touching. For a few seconds the noise of the room disappeared, the air around them got really thick and all Louis could focus on was how soft Nick's lips were on his. Suddenly the noise of the room burst through their bubble. The screams of the crowds around them had reached fever pitch. Louis and Nick pulled apart as though they had been shocked. Both of their faces were burning up as they looked around to see who had seen. They were met with the shocked faces of their table and yes, just what Louis had feared a camera focused on them. The kissper or whatever the fuck had just happened had been caught on camera. The fans that were up in the stands around the floor area where the tables and stage was seemed to be going crazy. Louis looked back at Nick who seemed equally struck dumb. He was sat back in his seat looking shocked and touching his lips with confusion. The camera panned away and it was like everyone had their switches flipped back on. Harry grabbed Louis' arm 'what the fuck was that?' Across the table he could hear the others shouting out their questions 'Louis why were you kissing Nick?', 'Is something going on?', 'Louis have you just come out?'. Louis didn't even know how to focus on any of the questions that were being flung at him. He had just kissed another man on television. Not just any other man but Nick Grimshaw, who would no doubt revel in the story of this for the rest of his bloody life. Louis felt faint and claustrophobic. He pulled back from Harry's touch and stood up on shaky legs and walked away from the table. He just needed to get some air. Where had the oxygen gone? He felt people's eyes on him as he made his way quickly backstage. He heard someone talking vaguely in the background as he left and felt someone following him. It was probably Harry to ask him if he'd finally gone mad. He didn't stop to find out he just made his way backstage until he found a door that led to an outside area where the artists could smoke. He burst through it and took in big gulps of oxygen trying to clear his head and work out exactly what had just happened and how bad it was. He heard the door go behind him and turned expecting to see Harry's worried face. He felt his stomach flip in shock as he looked into the eyes of the man he had just kissed on live television. 

'I bet your fucking thrilled at this turn of events! Not only have you guaranteed yourself some column inches tomorrow but you've managed to humiliate me in the process' 

Nick looked outraged, 'Louis wait....what are you on about? You don't think I kissed you on purpose do you?' 

'Well why else did we just snog on national tv Nick?' Louis knew his voice was screechy and tried to level it in but he felt as though he was in a blind panic. 

'Louis for gods sake, for a start I wouldn't bloody do that and secondly that was hardly a snog. Our lips barely touched' 

Louis rolled his eyes 'it might as well have been a full on make out session for how much the press and the fans will care' 

Nick looked exasperated, 'Look Louis you're blowing this whole thing out of proportion. It was just an innocent mistake. You can just laugh it off' 

'You don't get it do you?' Louis shouted. His hands were still shaking and he hated how wobbly his voice was. 

'Get what? No I have no idea why you're making such a big deal out of this' 

'Its so typical of you' Louis huffed 'you've probably always been out more or less. You haven't been scared to talk to a guy or sit too close to your male friend in case people pick up on supposed signals you're giving out. Nick, since being in this band I've been told that i can not be gay. I've been told to change the way I sit, the way I stand, the way I dress and it's fucking killed me but I went with it. Partly because of the band and I didn't want to ruin it for the others but also because I didn't want to be 'the gay one'. I know that sounds terrible but I wasn't ready to be that person that makes a stand. I was just 18, I'd only just told my mum so when it was suggested that I hide it, I was happy to go along with it and I know I should be stronger but I'm still so scared, even now. I'm finally known for being a songwriter and I'm taken seriously in the football world and I'm back to square one. I'm the gay one and that's all I'll ever be' Louis was shaking and his eyes were glistening with unshed tears. He hated that his voice was breaking and the worst was that it was Nick here to witness his break down of epic proportions. He looked up and Nick was looking at him so sadly but also looking massively out of his depth. If Louis didn't feel so shit he probably would have laughed. 

'Louis, I don't know what to say...' 

'Please don't pity me Nick, it is what it is' Louis snapped 

Nick reached forward then and tentatively touched his arm 'Louis I don't pity you. I don't know what to say because I'm literally the worst at advice, but I think you're amazing. Coming out is scary, it's one of the scariest things I've ever done and yes maybe everyone did guess before I ever made it official but I still shit myself before hand, but it's also been the best decision I've ever made because now I'm not scared anymore. Yeah there is always going to be assholes in the world but you know what they're probably going to make comments no matter what. Whether your gay or straight or whatever there are always going to be dickheads and you can't let them win. Maybe this is your time to finally be yourself. Like you said you've proved yourself now and maybe it's time you did something just to make you happy for a change. You're one of the people I've always admired because you seem like you never give a shit so prove to me that I'm right and go back out there and don't give a shit' 

Louis looked at him, his cheeks flushing from Nick's touch and how earnest he appeared to be, 'You admire me?' 

Nick rolled his eyes and huffed out a laugh 'that was the best speech I've ever given in my entire life and all you got from it was that I admire you? Yes ok you little shit I do admire you. The way you've proved everyone, including me if I'm honest wrong about your importance to the band. You're last album was even something I actually enjoyed listening too so yes I do admire you but I also think you're a massive prick a lot of the time so it balances itself out' 

Louis was full on smiling now 'you're totally in to me. It's ok Nick Grimshaw I understand how hot I am. I don't judge you for it' Louis joked, thankful for the chance to cover up his mini-meltdown with humour at someone else's expense. Louis' favourite defence mechanism. 

Nick let Louis laugh for a moment before crowding in close. Louis abruptly stopped laughing and his breath hitched as Nick got closer 'Louis, yes you are incredibly hot you conceited little monster, but right now I'm more bothered that our first kiss has been so angst ridden.' He paused and seemed to consider Louis before continuing 'You know, usually when i kiss a man they don't tend to run off' 

Louis hoped his voice didn't come out too high pitched 'oh no?' His stomach was turning like crazy and he felt lightheaded at how close Nick was. 

'No, in fact usually they like to kiss me back. I've even heard that I'm quite a good kisser' 

'Is that right?' Louis wasn't sure he could remember how to breathe. He was pretty sure Nick was going to kiss him again and for some reason he really wanted him too. He closed his eyes and felt his body pull closer to Nick almost as though they were magnets. Louis flicked his eyes around and saw they were alone. He gave in to the pull of his body and let his lips gently touch Nick's. Nick's breath hitched as though he was surprised Louis had actually kissed him. Louis felt Nick's hand cup his jaw gently. His other hand moved to the small of Louis back and pulled him in. Louis wasn't sure what he was expecting from kissing Nick (not that he'd ever considered it of course) but it wasn't this gentle moment. Nick's tongue licked along the seam of his lips and Louis opened up to him. The kiss deepened and butterflies swirled in Louis' stomach. 

Every second the kiss went on it became less gentle and more needy. Sparks of arousal shot around Louis body and he greedily licked further into Nick's mouth. Nick's knee slid between Louis thighs, the length of his ridiculous legs meant that it brushed dangerous close to Louis crotch. Louis gave in to the pull and ground down against it. When Nick felt Louis obvious arousal he moaned hotly into Louis mouth. If Louis wasn't so turned on and desperate in this moment he probably would have been embarrassed at how quickly he'd got so hard. Nick's other hand came up to cup his jaw as well and he took control of the kiss. Something that Louis would never admit to finding intensely hot. They finally came up for air, panting hotly into each other's mouths. Nick's eyes looking deeply into Louis searching for something. Louis wasn't sure what he was looking for or whether he was finding the answer as just at that moment the bang of the door opening shocked them apart. Louis looked up to see the lads bursting out into the smokers area looking frantic. He quickly readjusted himself and took another step back from Nick, not daring to look at him now. Fucking hell, he had just kissed Nick again, this time on purpose and according to the way his body reacted he had really fucking liked it. He took a deep shaky breath as the lads ran over to them. 

'Louis, Nick, we've been looking everywhere for you.' Harry exclaimed 

'This is the first chance we've had to get away as they're on an advert break but we need to get back in two minutes' said Niall 

'Is everything ok? What was that?' Liam asked 

Louis could feel his heart pounding through his chest. He could feel the weight of Nick's stare and he subconsciously touched his lips as he tried to focus on the matter in hand. 'What was what?' He answered confused. Had they seen Louis and Nick pull apart? Had they noticed Louis adjusting himself as they ran over? Christ, how embarrassing if they knew Nick had gave him a boner! 

'You kissed!' Liam said and Louis felt himself flushing and his legs felt weak, when Liam continued 'in there after our award...what was that?' 

And oh yeah of course that's what they were talking about. His heart was beating out of his chest and he could feel Nick's eyes boring in him. He shook himself mentally and hoped to god his voice sounded normal. 

'It was an accident guys. We went to whisper and touched lips. It's funny really' he could have sworn he saw a fleeting look of disappointment cross Nick's face but he couldn't be sure as now he was just looking away. Louis desperately wanted to know what he was thinking. 

'Are you ready to come back in because Managements having a heart attack and if we don't get back before the ad break is over it might look like it's a bigger deal?' Liam asked tentatively. 

'Yeah I'm fine. It's not a big deal' Harry looked worriedly at Louis as though he could see straight through the lie but they were professionals so they started making their way back inside. Nick lingered behind. Louis turned 'are you not coming back?' Nick looked at him without talking for a moment, 'No I think I'm going to have a quick smoke. I'll see you back inside in a bit' Louis wanted to stay with him. He looked at Nick's lips that were bitten red and a bit swollen and felt another surge of arousal. He wanted to kiss him again. He was man enough to admit that. Fuck he wanted to see what would happen if they hadn't been interrupted. He looked back into Nick's eyes hoping to get a clue about what he was thinking but Nick's face was blank, showing nothing. They stood looking at each other for a moment before he felt Zayn slip his arm around him and tug him back inside. He ignored the sinking feeling in his stomach as he walked back. 

If there was one thing Louis was good at, it was putting on a front. He cracked a joke with Niall as they walked back to their seat ignoring the stares. Zayn's arm remained a reassuring presence around him but he found himself wishing it was someone else's arm. He pushed those feelings to the back of his mind and sat back down. He was a professional and he would get through the next half hour that was left of the show without letting anyone know what he was feeling inside. 

A few minutes later he felt Nick slide into the seat next to him and lean close to his ear 'just so you know. You'll never be just 'the gay one' to me. You're incredible Louis, the sooner you realise that yourself the better' he whispered before pulling away and starting a conversation up with Greg James. Louis felt like he'd been hit by a bus. His heart stuttered and his airways felt tight. Was he ready to come out? Maybe it was time. Louis felt giddy. Today had been a crazy day. They had won an award that Louis was incredibly proud of, he had kissed a man in public and not died. To top it all off though he thinks he might have developed a crush on Nick Grimshaw. He tried to push away the feeling of butterflies in his stomach. He needed to focus on getting his life in order first. First things first he was going to talk to the lads about maybe coming out. He felt a rush of nausea at the thought but another glance at Nick to find him smiling over before giving him a wink and resuming his chat with Greg made him realise that maybe there would be some pros to finally letting himself be free. 

He could feel someone staring over at him. He looked up to see Zayn worriedly watching him 'are you ok?' He mouthed. 'Yes I'm great' and strangely it didn't feel like a lie anymore.


End file.
